Dial I for Insanity
by batman100
Summary: The X-Men eavesdrop on a mob hit in a tribute to a classic mystery thriller


**Dial 'I' for Insanity**

"Could someone *please* get the phone?! It's been ringing like crazy all stinkin morning!" Logan grouched as the mansion phone was indeed ringing off the hook

"Ooh, I'll get it!" Scott hollered, racing up the staircase before tripping on his shoelace "Oof!"

"Clumsy oaf. Next time, double-knot them. Now hurry up and get the phone" Logan ordered as Scott grabbed the receiver "Aloha"

"You're *sure* the body was buried in the sewer?" A gruff voice asked on the phone line as Scott listened nervously

"Of course, Guido. The red-headed dame didn't know one thing from Pasadena!" A high-pitched, gangster voice piped up as Scott's eyes went wide on the keyword 'red headed'

"Yeah, yeah Luigi. So you says you gots the anvil? Da god faddah needs it for the recreational dinner, and I mean pronto, capicshe?" The head voice barked

"Yeah, loud n' clear, Guido. We got the stiff done and over in the yard to make a point" Luigi replied while Scott grew worried

"So where the hell's Mooch? I told that shmuck to park the van out by the yard, so the coppers don't make him squeal. Spill it, before I have to start bashing heads together!" Guido barked

"Mooch ratted out to some hot-looking dame out in the mansion. That house is full of weirdos, I tell ya. And I think one 'a them had some stilettos coming out of his hands. The weirdest one was some blue creep who could vanish in and out, like some Sodom and Gomorrah crap" Luigi replied, describing Kurt…and Logan, who looked pretty insulted on the stilettos comment

"So you popped Mooch in front 'a the dame, eh? Well, ain't that a goddamn kettle 'o fish. Just get the anvil and amscray pronto. Got it?" Guido barked

"Roger that, boss" Luigi answered, then hung up as Scott looked frantic

"Who the hell was it?" Logan snapped, before Scott sped off, leaving the phone dangling as he gathered weapons "What in the world are you doing?! Have you gone nuts?"

"You heard them! They buried a red-headed dame in the dumpster! It's a Mafia murder!" Scott babbled, loading his shotgun

"What?! That's crazy!" Logan snapped before continuing "Scott, is this one of your goofy pranks, because let me tell you; this is pretty damn funny!"

"It aint no laughing matter, Logan" Scott replied grimly before a noise caught his attention "Eek! They're in the bathroom!"

"Who? The Creature from the Black Lagoon? That's the most ridiculous load of shit I've ever heard!" Logan snorted before a loud crashing sound occurred in the basement

"Howdy!" Pyro yelped in pain, clutching his sprained foot

"Pyro, I *told* you playing croquet with an anvil was a stupid idea" Lance groaned, his arm in a cast

"What the heck happened? And what was the ruckus?" Logan asked

"Well…remember that Prohibition anvil we bought from Chicago last week?" Lance asked

"Yeah, why?" Logan snapped as Scott looked nervous

"Well, Mr. Firebug over here was babbling about a bunch of mobster guys trying to get the anvil. And I think they said something about a redhead…Oops." Lance winced as Scott aimed his shotgun at Lance's head

"Where…is…Jean?" Scott asked fiercely, Logan's hand on his shoulder as Lance shivered

"Scott? What are you doing? And…why do you have your shotgun aimed at Lance's head?" Jean asked, as Scott looked back at Lance, then at Jean, then Lance again then Jean

"Ok…now this is getting a little crazy" Logan commented on the bizarre situation

"But…but…what about the anvil? The-the mobsters?" Scott babbled as Jean reassured him

"Oh, the anvil? It turns out a couple of novelty salesmen came by to get the anvil. They said they wanted to borrow it for a re-creation of the Valantine's Day Massacre. Only the funny thing was…last I saw, they were carrying a burlap sack or something. And I may have been imagining things or I saw a stroke of *scarlet* hair." Jean noted before putting two and two together "Oh…um, I kinda think we forgot something"

"Or someone. Nice try, Sherlock Phoenix Holmes, but you couldn't ease yourself out of a banana peel" Logan snorted before a bedraggled, scruffy and dirt-covered Wanda entered the mansion, leaving mud all over the carpet

"See what I mean by scarlet hair…Mr. Drama Critic?" Jean replied sarcastically at Logan before rushing to Wanda "Goodness sakes, what happened to you?"

"Uh, funny thing: I was out in the garden, planting my roses, when these two weirdos came by carrying a large anvil or somethin'. So I ignored 'em and continued planting. So, after I finish, I was about to head in for a drink, then there's a rustle in the trees, I come over for a look, and I'll be darned those two mooks clubbed me with a shovel, tossed me into a lousy grocery bag, and planted me in the yard like a big, damn fat sack of potatoes! Did you guys not *hear* me yelling for help?!" Wanda snapped

"Oops. For a minute, I almost thought that was a large mole or something" Jean confessed

"Yeah, well; you guys just stood there, and after two stinking hours, then out of nowhere, *Pyro* shows up, digs a lousy trench into the yard, nearly burnt the bag I was in as he got me out, unties it, I come out, I look on my shirt, and well la-dee-freaking-da, some goddamn *idiot* wrote 'Please Dig Me as Treasure' on my stinking new undershirt! I can't believe you let me get pulled out by that wacko! Do you have any idea what he would've done?" Wanda grouched

"Dunno, but at least nobody got hurt" Scott replied as Wanda left in a huff

"Scott…what was that phone call about, anyway?" Jean asked as Scott turned wide on that note

"Jean…for Wanda's sake, let's keep that our 'little' secret, capische?" Scott asked

"You got it, boss" Jean replied, quickly hiding her stiletto in the closet before turning to the camera "Seen enough?" and blasted the camera with her machine gun


End file.
